Re: The BIG eCommerce Conference
From: Steve Smarm

Hey boss. I just finished waxing your car, I know you didn’t ask me to, but I couldn’t help it when I saw what a fine auto-mobile you have. I know you’re extremely busy so I just knew it wasn’t going to get done unless someone took the initiative, and the rest of the team are lazy. I know I shouldn’t say that, but when I see how hard you work and how little they do, I just think “Steve, you need to be a good second-in-command”. I hope you don’t mind that I refer to myself that way on my business cards (I had some made personally at a fine establishment just off platform 2 at the train station).

Anyway, one of the team forwarded me this thing about The BIG eCommerce Conference. I think they just want a chance to get out of the office so surely we should refuse them permission to go? I don’t even like the policy of allowing them to leave the building at lunchtime, let alone for a full day. I  know it’s not my call, but I’ve broken it down into a list so that you’ll see I’m right.

  1. The average cost of a training course is around £500 a day. That’s for a single day in a small group from a single tutor.  OK, The BIG eCommerce Conference is currently available for just £185 + VAT but I don’t think that’s the point, the point is that it’s all money that could be used to get that golden throne I was talking to you about last week. You deserve it. And I can buy that silver one with the money left over.
  2. Investing in staff skills is meant to improve team morale and increase the skills of your employees. Barry in Sales was talking to me about a three-track workshop program? He babbled about “a lot of content that can be tailored to what you need” but the way I see it, if we train up the troops they’ll start getting ideas way, way above their station. There are two ways to maintain control – be the biggest dog, or make sure you only have puppies to look after. I think the choice is clear.
  3. I don’t work on the sales team, and honestly I think sales are over-rated. All they do is create more work for accounting. Anyway, Barry was telling me something about how the conference intends to help increase the average shopping cart sale. Blah blah blah.
  4. I read the email about this conference and apparently “all delegates get access to the speakers presentations after the event”. Sort of like being told you can read the script after the play has ended, right? If you like we can take turns acting it out. It’ll be fun. I’m free all weekend and every evening, just let me know.
  5. Apparently this is meant to be “a plus”, but there won’t be any sales stands at the conference. I don’t understand this at all. Where are the female models following me around begging me to try out their product and free sweets? The whole point of going to these things is letting some poor sales goof squirm while he tries to sell me his stupid product. The whole thing is meant to be about “personal development” instead. Ha! What a joke!
  6. And finally, Barry said that we could be part of “the biggest eCommerce event for merchants in 2012” and that we’ll be “featured on the website and blog” and there’ll be “pre and post conference networking opportunities”. I mean….it may sound like a good idea when you look at all these points, but what does Barry know? Who are you going to listen to? Your top salesman, or the guy who gets your bagel for your in morning and warms up your office chair before you get into the office (I hope that’s ok, I promise I don’t go through your desk unless it’s absolutely necessary) and who is your unofficial second-in-command?

So there it is, the point is, I think we would be far better off keeping the poxy £185 for things we want to do, like that one-one-one paintballing session, or the two-man go-karting race I talked to you about. Or that team-building trip to the Maldives for you and me, the management team.

***end memo***

Want to be part of The BIG eCommerce Conference – London | South East 2012? Book your ticket now.

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